How does one's emotion drives from sadness to anger, frustration to resentment within a period of six months? Infidelity is one. But more than that is honesty. When I knew he was sleeping with someone else, I had refused to believe in that moment of time. It was inevitable.
I was on a trip to Malaysia for some soul searching as he was on his trip to China for a convention. We left the children home with my parents. My eldest was having a fever yet I left him for my own sanity.
For the past 6 years, I have been trying to savage our marriage. His stone walls started low and slowly grew over the years as our dialogue became my monologue. I could hear echoes of my own caustic voice spitting out vile words, what have we transformed into, our better self fuel into monsters by our mundane routines. Parenthood has been an arduous journey, our children are not the easiest to take care.
My perspective of any challenges as always been positive, I could take on any that inconveniently arrived my way and focus to solve them all. For every problem, I had elegant solutions. The uncertainty was what marriage meant for us, for me, for him. I wanted to solve it with a clear cut of binary codes, switching one on, switching one off and all the combinations in between. It was unnatural as I was clouded by my own didactic judgement.
In an unknown measured of time, my depression settled in as a companion as he drifted without a glance back. Am I not a person anymore? Do I not yearn for touch?
Working on the 22nd floor began to allure me to the grandness of heights and beauty of free falling. I would stare out from these huge windows daydreaming; I walked too close to the edge, surrounded by the polluted sound of the city, I screamed as loud as my physical self can endure, I took the leap, freed.
I became Lucy.
Lucy made no fuss.
She slapped me a crossed the face.
"Wake up" she insisted.
"You are not a victim here, look at yourself, I do not pity you, and do not let anyone pity you. How did you let yourself become this way?" Lucy knew the answer, I knew she knew.
We kept silent.
The night of revelation, as I laid in bed next to my youngest darling, looking at her face with an internal reflection of happiness, I asked myself if there was still hope. My heart sank as the time ticked. I counted the amount of time, I wanted to speak, I became mute. Then an instant message chime broke my solitude of counting. I was too tired to force myself up to read, I let the note sat and slept.
